I've had a long stretch of easy days since last Thursday. I worked a few hours on Friday and a few more yesterday, otherwise, I've been lord and master of my days.
My manners of self-indulgence during those five days included staying in bed much later than 7:00, my normal rise and shine time. I really shouldn't allow myself that luxury because I always pay a price for it. Guilt looms like a thick, heavy pillow and threatens to suffocate me for my laziness. I feel the guilt pressing on me each time I peek at the clock and then scrunch back down under the covers. Most of those lazy mornings, beyond 7:00, I'm awake or at least partially, so I should get up and do something. I simply find pleasure in starting my day in the throes of ultimate relaxation. It's just that I take leisure to uncomfortable levels when the clock is still glaring at me at 9:30 and I'm still horizontal.
Eventually, guilt grabs me by the scruff of my neck and throws me off the bed. I stagger to gain my balance and head for the bathroom. I've put that trip off for longer than recommended and the immediate relief brings a smile to my face.
Getting up was the most difficult obstacle I faced during those five days. As I write this, I vow to never stay in bed past 8:00 again unless I'm sick or have a good reason. It honestly serves no honorable purpose and the accompanying guilt isn't fun to deal with.
Wish me luck with my new resolution.
(This is kind of a uninteresting post but it's something that's been on my mind. It's a short read for a change; that's probably a relief for most of you).
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Come Along With Me for a 3.1 Mile Run
A big blue sky with intermittent clouds coaxed me outside for my 3.1 mile run this afternoon. The temperature was 53 degrees which is fine for running. The wind was blowing but it wasn't a cold wind so it didn't force me indoors.
My running gear for my initial outdoor run of the year included: a sports bra, a long-sleeved shirt, a lightweight wind breaker, shorts, running shoes and socks, my Road ID bracelet, cotton in my ears, a baseball cap (with a Trek logo of course), sunglasses and my stopwatch.
I've got to tell you about my ID. My Road ID is a durable fabric bracelet which wraps around my wrist and fastens with velcro. A small metal plate on the bracelet is stamped with my name, address, blood type, my husband's and my son's phone numbers, my doctor's and hospital's name, and my insurance name and identification number. It gives me peace of mind when I'm out on the road, whether I'm running or biking. You can read about them and order one at http://www.roadid.com/. I have 3 bracelets, red, yellow and blue. The metal plate easily transfers from one bracelet to another.
Another interesting thing about my running gear is the shoe laces on my Asics running shoes. They're called Lock Laces. I replaced the original laces with Lock Laces in order to cut down the transition time during the triathlon I competed in last summer. The laces are made of a durable elastic cording. Once the shoe is laced up, you slide both ends of the lace through a plastic locking device. After determining how tight you want the laces to be, you tie a knot in each end of the cord to hold the locking device in place. From that point on, you no longer have to tie and untie your shoes. Your shoes will slide on and off very easily as the elastic cord stretches. In a triathlon, it's very easy to transition from my bike shoes to my running shoes because of this innovation. See the laces on http://www.locklaces.com./
The route I ran today was flat except for a few very insignificant inclines and declines. I mention them because when I'm running, I'm acutely aware of inclines, no matter how slight they may be. My legs send me an instant message which I get with all it's urgency but I ignore. I have to be tough or I can't be a runner. There's no getting around that.
The sky filled with clouds shortly after I started running. I warm up quickly when I'm running so the slight drop in air temperature didn't bother me. I'm thankful that the sun was shining when I started or I may have taken my running to the indoor track at the Y. That's going to be hard to do now that I've had a taste of fresh air and the ever-changing scenery.
To be honest, I was ready to quit about halfway through my run, but of course I kept on going. Once I set a goal, I complete it, regardless of how I feel. I guess that's what makes it possible for me to push myself to swim, bike and run competitively. Fortunately, I've had enough experience over the years, that I know the proper way to train. I gradually increase my workload so my body and mind can adapt. If I want to increase my running distance, by say half a mile, beyond what I've been doing, my mind coaches my body. It reminds my body that it has exerted this same amount of energy before and that adding a little more isn't that big of a deal. My body has no say in the matter. It grumbles and groans and whines and complains endlessly and I listen sympathetically, but I don't give in to its pleading.
After my run, I again went to my datebook. Today I entered: Ran outside. 3.2miles. Garden Village route. Time 33:55. 53 degrees, NE wind.
I'd like to say that after my shower, I was looking forward to my next run. I'm not. Nevertheless, I'll do it again. My motivation being: It feels SO good when I stop.
My running gear for my initial outdoor run of the year included: a sports bra, a long-sleeved shirt, a lightweight wind breaker, shorts, running shoes and socks, my Road ID bracelet, cotton in my ears, a baseball cap (with a Trek logo of course), sunglasses and my stopwatch.
I've got to tell you about my ID. My Road ID is a durable fabric bracelet which wraps around my wrist and fastens with velcro. A small metal plate on the bracelet is stamped with my name, address, blood type, my husband's and my son's phone numbers, my doctor's and hospital's name, and my insurance name and identification number. It gives me peace of mind when I'm out on the road, whether I'm running or biking. You can read about them and order one at http://www.roadid.com/. I have 3 bracelets, red, yellow and blue. The metal plate easily transfers from one bracelet to another.
Another interesting thing about my running gear is the shoe laces on my Asics running shoes. They're called Lock Laces. I replaced the original laces with Lock Laces in order to cut down the transition time during the triathlon I competed in last summer. The laces are made of a durable elastic cording. Once the shoe is laced up, you slide both ends of the lace through a plastic locking device. After determining how tight you want the laces to be, you tie a knot in each end of the cord to hold the locking device in place. From that point on, you no longer have to tie and untie your shoes. Your shoes will slide on and off very easily as the elastic cord stretches. In a triathlon, it's very easy to transition from my bike shoes to my running shoes because of this innovation. See the laces on http://www.locklaces.com./
The route I ran today was flat except for a few very insignificant inclines and declines. I mention them because when I'm running, I'm acutely aware of inclines, no matter how slight they may be. My legs send me an instant message which I get with all it's urgency but I ignore. I have to be tough or I can't be a runner. There's no getting around that.
The sky filled with clouds shortly after I started running. I warm up quickly when I'm running so the slight drop in air temperature didn't bother me. I'm thankful that the sun was shining when I started or I may have taken my running to the indoor track at the Y. That's going to be hard to do now that I've had a taste of fresh air and the ever-changing scenery.
To be honest, I was ready to quit about halfway through my run, but of course I kept on going. Once I set a goal, I complete it, regardless of how I feel. I guess that's what makes it possible for me to push myself to swim, bike and run competitively. Fortunately, I've had enough experience over the years, that I know the proper way to train. I gradually increase my workload so my body and mind can adapt. If I want to increase my running distance, by say half a mile, beyond what I've been doing, my mind coaches my body. It reminds my body that it has exerted this same amount of energy before and that adding a little more isn't that big of a deal. My body has no say in the matter. It grumbles and groans and whines and complains endlessly and I listen sympathetically, but I don't give in to its pleading.
After my run, I again went to my datebook. Today I entered: Ran outside. 3.2miles. Garden Village route. Time 33:55. 53 degrees, NE wind.
I'd like to say that after my shower, I was looking forward to my next run. I'm not. Nevertheless, I'll do it again. My motivation being: It feels SO good when I stop.
Monday, April 13, 2009
My First Trek On My Trek In '09
Last Thursday, the sun was bright in a cloudless sky, the temperature was in the fifties and the air was nearly still. The day was a fine one for my first bike ride of the year. When I got home after work, at 12:30PM, my bike was ready to go. Her soft gold color sparkled in the sunlight after five drab months under a sheet in the basement. My Trek was ready but I had a few things to do.
I stripped off my work clothes, leaving them lying on the bedroom chair. I was excited and in a hurry. I opened the closet at the end of the hall where I keep my athletic tops and jackets, shoes and a whole bunch of other biking, swimming and running gadgets. I chose a long-sleeved pullover shirt with a high zip neck from the clothes rod and pulled that over my head. I went to the other hall closet which holds my shorts, sports bras, Danskin pants, socks and a shelf unit with cubby holes stuffed with other essential odds and ends. I made my choices, slipped on socks, stepped into my black Danskin full-length pants and shut the closet door.
Turning back to the first closet, I grabbed a jacket, my biking shoes, my Road ID bracelet, a Velcro strap to wrap around the ankle of my pants to keep the fabric from getting caught in the bike chain, my thingamajiggy which is technically called a bicycle computer, my sunglasses which have a little oval magnifying lens in the lower half so I can read the computer statistics (useless otherwise, my biking gloves and my helmet. Back in the bedroom, I grabbed a fleece vest to slip over my shirt. I’d rather be too warm than too cold. On a bike, temperatures in the fifties feel cold until I get warmed up. Once I was completely equipped, I fumbled through the bathroom closet looking for some cotton to stuff in my ears with hopes it would ease the earaches I knew would come.
Finally I was back in the garage. I ignored the look of impatience I imagined was coming from my bike. I slid the computer into its receptacle on the handlebars. Oops, I didn’t have my cell phone. I slipped back inside and got my Go Phone out of my purse and zipped it into the tiny bag located under and behind my seat, my bike seat, that is. I was ready and my bike was practically leaving without me. I punched our code in the garage door opener to close it and we were off.
Once we were moving, it was time to clip my shoes to the pedals. To my surprise, I snapped my bike shoe cleats into the pedals on the first try on both pedals. Usually, it takes me a few tries. I checked the computer to see if the trip miles had been reset to zero. All systems were go. Ahhhhhh, it felt so good to be moving over the pavement, actually going somewhere instead of pedaling a stationary bike and going nowhere. The fresh air was a treat too. And yet, I had to be vigilant on this bike. I reminded myself repeatedly that my feet were locked into the pedals and needed that essential heel twist to release them if I wanted to stop. Unfortunately, old habits die hard and, at sixty, habits are pretty deeply ingrained.
I’m planning to participate in the 20th Annual Wellness Biathlon on May 16th again this year. It begins and ends behind the hospital, a couple of miles from here. The twelve-mile bike route used in the biathlon is a favorite of mine and that’s the one I chose to follow on Thursday. It provides an optimal ride on country roads with only a few unintimidating hills.
After pedaling through residential areas, a business square and another residential area, I was out on the open road. Now it was time to get serious. I lowered my forearms onto the aerobars, clicked into a higher gear and picked up speed.
A narrow creek winds along the right side of the road. I snuck a few looks at it until the road turned away from the creek. I clicked the gear shift lever into a lower gear on the first hill of the day as it began to slow me down. With relative ease, and a few more gear shifts, I was on flat ground again. The beauty of that was short-lived as I approached the interstate overpass. Atop the bridge and a bit out of breath, I looked at the cars and semis zooming below me.
For a second, I asked myself why I chose to ride a bike when I had an awesome Chevy Avalanche home in the garage, willing and able to take me anywhere I wanted to go. I refocused on the road ahead of me and instantly remembered why. What goes up must come down. I gradually shifted into higher and higher gears as I accelerated down the other side of the overpass. I felt an adrenal rush as the thrill of speed took over my senses and right with that rush came an equal blast of fear. What if a wheel comes loose? What if something throws me off balance? What if I wipe out? I put a halt to those thoughts with a reproof: Get a grip. Don’t spoil everything by thinking about the danger, beside, your legs and lungs are loving this.
This particular ride, as most long distance rides go, is a combination of ups and downs, stretches of level terrain and constantly changing scenery. The grass along the roads is still much more brown than green and the trees are bare. It won’t be long though before I’ll see positive changes as the sun warms the earth and everything reawakens. Someday when I get past my need to push for speed, I’ll slow down and relish nature without the blur.
Traffic was light in the early afternoon and I didn’t have to stop during the entire ride until I was almost back home. My neck hurt like crazy after the strain of holding my head up while my upper body was bent low over the front wheel. It’ll take a few rides for neck to get reaccustomed to being held in that unnatural position. My ears ached even with the cotton, but otherwise, I was feeling good when I came to a stop at the garage door. Once inside, I slid the computer off its holder, covered my bike with her clear vinyl dust protector and went in the house.
As I shed my biking gear, I made my way to my date book where I record my computer statistics. I wrote: Biked outside. Biathlon route. 14.2 miles. Average speed 12.2 mph. Maximum speed 22.3 mph. Total time 1:09:28. I keep similar records of my swimming and running sessions. It's fun to observe the improvement that comes with practice.
After a shower, I was already looking forward to my next opportunity to do it all over again. Only faster.
I stripped off my work clothes, leaving them lying on the bedroom chair. I was excited and in a hurry. I opened the closet at the end of the hall where I keep my athletic tops and jackets, shoes and a whole bunch of other biking, swimming and running gadgets. I chose a long-sleeved pullover shirt with a high zip neck from the clothes rod and pulled that over my head. I went to the other hall closet which holds my shorts, sports bras, Danskin pants, socks and a shelf unit with cubby holes stuffed with other essential odds and ends. I made my choices, slipped on socks, stepped into my black Danskin full-length pants and shut the closet door.
Turning back to the first closet, I grabbed a jacket, my biking shoes, my Road ID bracelet, a Velcro strap to wrap around the ankle of my pants to keep the fabric from getting caught in the bike chain, my thingamajiggy which is technically called a bicycle computer, my sunglasses which have a little oval magnifying lens in the lower half so I can read the computer statistics (useless otherwise, my biking gloves and my helmet. Back in the bedroom, I grabbed a fleece vest to slip over my shirt. I’d rather be too warm than too cold. On a bike, temperatures in the fifties feel cold until I get warmed up. Once I was completely equipped, I fumbled through the bathroom closet looking for some cotton to stuff in my ears with hopes it would ease the earaches I knew would come.
Finally I was back in the garage. I ignored the look of impatience I imagined was coming from my bike. I slid the computer into its receptacle on the handlebars. Oops, I didn’t have my cell phone. I slipped back inside and got my Go Phone out of my purse and zipped it into the tiny bag located under and behind my seat, my bike seat, that is. I was ready and my bike was practically leaving without me. I punched our code in the garage door opener to close it and we were off.
Once we were moving, it was time to clip my shoes to the pedals. To my surprise, I snapped my bike shoe cleats into the pedals on the first try on both pedals. Usually, it takes me a few tries. I checked the computer to see if the trip miles had been reset to zero. All systems were go. Ahhhhhh, it felt so good to be moving over the pavement, actually going somewhere instead of pedaling a stationary bike and going nowhere. The fresh air was a treat too. And yet, I had to be vigilant on this bike. I reminded myself repeatedly that my feet were locked into the pedals and needed that essential heel twist to release them if I wanted to stop. Unfortunately, old habits die hard and, at sixty, habits are pretty deeply ingrained.
I’m planning to participate in the 20th Annual Wellness Biathlon on May 16th again this year. It begins and ends behind the hospital, a couple of miles from here. The twelve-mile bike route used in the biathlon is a favorite of mine and that’s the one I chose to follow on Thursday. It provides an optimal ride on country roads with only a few unintimidating hills.
After pedaling through residential areas, a business square and another residential area, I was out on the open road. Now it was time to get serious. I lowered my forearms onto the aerobars, clicked into a higher gear and picked up speed.
A narrow creek winds along the right side of the road. I snuck a few looks at it until the road turned away from the creek. I clicked the gear shift lever into a lower gear on the first hill of the day as it began to slow me down. With relative ease, and a few more gear shifts, I was on flat ground again. The beauty of that was short-lived as I approached the interstate overpass. Atop the bridge and a bit out of breath, I looked at the cars and semis zooming below me.
For a second, I asked myself why I chose to ride a bike when I had an awesome Chevy Avalanche home in the garage, willing and able to take me anywhere I wanted to go. I refocused on the road ahead of me and instantly remembered why. What goes up must come down. I gradually shifted into higher and higher gears as I accelerated down the other side of the overpass. I felt an adrenal rush as the thrill of speed took over my senses and right with that rush came an equal blast of fear. What if a wheel comes loose? What if something throws me off balance? What if I wipe out? I put a halt to those thoughts with a reproof: Get a grip. Don’t spoil everything by thinking about the danger, beside, your legs and lungs are loving this.
This particular ride, as most long distance rides go, is a combination of ups and downs, stretches of level terrain and constantly changing scenery. The grass along the roads is still much more brown than green and the trees are bare. It won’t be long though before I’ll see positive changes as the sun warms the earth and everything reawakens. Someday when I get past my need to push for speed, I’ll slow down and relish nature without the blur.
Traffic was light in the early afternoon and I didn’t have to stop during the entire ride until I was almost back home. My neck hurt like crazy after the strain of holding my head up while my upper body was bent low over the front wheel. It’ll take a few rides for neck to get reaccustomed to being held in that unnatural position. My ears ached even with the cotton, but otherwise, I was feeling good when I came to a stop at the garage door. Once inside, I slid the computer off its holder, covered my bike with her clear vinyl dust protector and went in the house.
As I shed my biking gear, I made my way to my date book where I record my computer statistics. I wrote: Biked outside. Biathlon route. 14.2 miles. Average speed 12.2 mph. Maximum speed 22.3 mph. Total time 1:09:28. I keep similar records of my swimming and running sessions. It's fun to observe the improvement that comes with practice.
After a shower, I was already looking forward to my next opportunity to do it all over again. Only faster.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Hey, you. Yeah, you. Read this.
To all you good eggs out there,
this is for you:
Whether you scramble it, fry it,
Hard-boil, soft-boil or coddle it,
Pickle, poach or souffle it
Or whip it up for an omelet,
Make sure that today, you
ENJOY WHAT YOU DO
and HOW YOU DO IT.
It all boils down to this:
GO OUT AND HAVE A HAPPY EASTER !
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Wanna Meet My Trek?
On Thursday, I took my first bike ride of the year. I worked in the morning and from the office, I called my husband and asked him if he would haul my bike up from the basement. When I got home, there it was in the garage in all its splendor. If you’re into bikes, you might be interested in its features:
It’s a Trek 7.3 FX WSD (Women Specific Design).
FRAME FX Alpha Black Aluminum
FORK FX Alloy w/tapered wall thickness, straight blades
WHEELS Alloy front, Shimano RM60 rear hub; Bontrager Camino rims
CRANK Shimano M341 48/38/28 w/chainguard
REAR DERAILLEUR Shimano Deore
All I really care about is that the wheels go around, it’s lightweight and appropriate for both leisure riding and racing. Oh, it has to be nice looking too. It’s a metallic gold color so I’m good to go. Almost.
Actually, there were a few other things I was concerned about when I bought the bike last year. First, I wanted to be able to see what was happening behind me without physically turning to look back. (I crashed a few years ago doing exactly that). So, I asked the salesman to put a rear view mirror on it. Second, I need my cell phone with me and a few other items so, I told Matt to add a small carryall pack to the underside of my bike seat. Third, on long rides in the heat of the summer, I’m bound to get thirsty. “You better put one of those bottle holders on while you’re at it. Um, how about a black one.”
It’s a Trek 7.3 FX WSD (Women Specific Design).
FRAME FX Alpha Black Aluminum
FORK FX Alloy w/tapered wall thickness, straight blades
WHEELS Alloy front, Shimano RM60 rear hub; Bontrager Camino rims
CRANK Shimano M341 48/38/28 w/chainguard
REAR DERAILLEUR Shimano Deore
All I really care about is that the wheels go around, it’s lightweight and appropriate for both leisure riding and racing. Oh, it has to be nice looking too. It’s a metallic gold color so I’m good to go. Almost.
Actually, there were a few other things I was concerned about when I bought the bike last year. First, I wanted to be able to see what was happening behind me without physically turning to look back. (I crashed a few years ago doing exactly that). So, I asked the salesman to put a rear view mirror on it. Second, I need my cell phone with me and a few other items so, I told Matt to add a small carryall pack to the underside of my bike seat. Third, on long rides in the heat of the summer, I’m bound to get thirsty. “You better put one of those bottle holders on while you’re at it. Um, how about a black one.”
I was on a roll. Fourth, since I like to compete, I have to know how fast I’m going, how far I’ve gone, my average speed, my maximum speed and heck, why not have a record of my total ride time too. “Excuse me again, Matt. How about one of those thingamajiggys? Yeah, that one in the yellow package hanging right there.” I think Matt was on commission because he was ready and willing to sell me anything I wanted. He wore this big old smile on his face whenever I picked out another item.
You think I’m done buying, right? Wrong. In competitions, a helmet is required. It didn’t take me long to select one that matched my bike. Well, why not? The next purchase was Matt’s fault. “Would you be interested in selecting a clipless shoe/pedal system?” he asked. I knew a little bit about that type of pedal but the idea scared me. The regular pedals are removed and a special type is put on the bike. I would have to select biking shoes. They would be fitted with cleats on the bottom that would fit into a receiver on the pedal. The purpose is to allow force to be applied to the pedal during the upstroke as well as the down stroke, thus creating greater speed.
You think I’m done buying, right? Wrong. In competitions, a helmet is required. It didn’t take me long to select one that matched my bike. Well, why not? The next purchase was Matt’s fault. “Would you be interested in selecting a clipless shoe/pedal system?” he asked. I knew a little bit about that type of pedal but the idea scared me. The regular pedals are removed and a special type is put on the bike. I would have to select biking shoes. They would be fitted with cleats on the bottom that would fit into a receiver on the pedal. The purpose is to allow force to be applied to the pedal during the upstroke as well as the down stroke, thus creating greater speed.
I decided to give it a try. What’s the worst thing that could happen, I thought. I could lose my balance on the bike and fall with my feet attached to the pedals. To remove your foot and shoe from the pedal, you have to twist your heel in an outward movement. That disconnects the cleat from the pedal. I could get hurt pretty bad. Oh well, I’m a risk taker.
I debated about that longer than any of my other add-ons. I have to say that I’m glad I decided to give it a try because it give me an advantage. It took me a while to learn how to step on the pedal and get the cleat to snap into the receiver with both left and right bike shoes. That took some practice. Then I had to keep it foremost in my mind that when I was riding and I wanted to come to a stop, I couldn’t just put a foot down on the pavement. I had to twist my heel first and then put my foot down. There have been a few occasions at intersections when I’ve forgotten to do that until the very last second. Fortunately, so far, I’ve not made a spectacle of myself by falling over sideways at a stop sign.
After I had my bike for a couple of months and had become used to the clipless pedals, I decided to make my bike more aerodynamic. Another trip to the bike shop and I came away with aerobars attached to my handlebars. They allow me to lean my body forward beyond the handlebars by leaning my forearms on padded rests as my hands grip the aerobars which extend over the front tire. In this position, my body is more streamlined because my upper body is now creating less wind resistance. My neck muscles are strained in this position but they eventually adapt.
I bought my bike in March, last year, and I put over 770 miles on it (I know that because of the thingamajiggy I had Matt put on it). So this year, it didn’t take me long to reacquaint myself with it.
When I started to write here today, I didn’t plan to go into all of these details. But now that I have, I’m going to wait for another day to tell the “rest of the story.”
HAPPY EASTER!
I debated about that longer than any of my other add-ons. I have to say that I’m glad I decided to give it a try because it give me an advantage. It took me a while to learn how to step on the pedal and get the cleat to snap into the receiver with both left and right bike shoes. That took some practice. Then I had to keep it foremost in my mind that when I was riding and I wanted to come to a stop, I couldn’t just put a foot down on the pavement. I had to twist my heel first and then put my foot down. There have been a few occasions at intersections when I’ve forgotten to do that until the very last second. Fortunately, so far, I’ve not made a spectacle of myself by falling over sideways at a stop sign.
After I had my bike for a couple of months and had become used to the clipless pedals, I decided to make my bike more aerodynamic. Another trip to the bike shop and I came away with aerobars attached to my handlebars. They allow me to lean my body forward beyond the handlebars by leaning my forearms on padded rests as my hands grip the aerobars which extend over the front tire. In this position, my body is more streamlined because my upper body is now creating less wind resistance. My neck muscles are strained in this position but they eventually adapt.
I bought my bike in March, last year, and I put over 770 miles on it (I know that because of the thingamajiggy I had Matt put on it). So this year, it didn’t take me long to reacquaint myself with it.
When I started to write here today, I didn’t plan to go into all of these details. But now that I have, I’m going to wait for another day to tell the “rest of the story.”
HAPPY EASTER!
(By the way, the bike shop had a sale on bikes and all accessories the day I went bike crazy. Just think of all the money I saved!)
Eeeeeek! I just added the two photos, clicked on Publish Post and then clicked on View Blog. My bike photo is fine and dandy, but me in my helmet, oh my! Does anyone know how to delete a photo here or at least change the size? I took it of myself after my ride, bloodshot eyes and all. And whose wrinkles are those? Perhaps my Sony malfunctioned, the naughty little thing!
Friday, April 10, 2009
Perchance To Dream
I really wanted to post something here today, but I'm afraid it's not going to happen. Too many other things got in the way of my normal uninterrupted blog time. I'll definitely make up for it tomorrow as my list of things to do is light. So off to bed I go, perchance to dream of...coming upon a severed head under a newspaper on a park bench...missing the school bus because my books keep slipping out of my hands...coming upon an endless number of quarters, dimes, nickels and pennies on the ground before me and trying to pick them all up...or will my recurring dreams be replaced by something different?...something soothing would be nice.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
My Dilemma
I don't know what I want and I won't be happy until I get it.
Have you ever felt that way? Have I? Well, obviously I have or I wouldn't have written it in bold print across the top of this blog.
Can I be bitchy?
Oh, yeah. I guess I just proved that.
Ok, now let's go back to the first line of this blog.
Periodically, every year, without warning, I get down, dirty and in a slump. I'm unmotivated and I have to force myself to go through the motions of everyday living. I rack my brains trying to figure out how to get going again. The unpredictable roller coaster ride of my life is mentally and emotionally exhausting. At the onset of these painful days, I talk to myself, trying to pull myself out of the gutter. The following dialogue is typical of my inner struggle. I've labeled my inner voices, Self #1 and Self #2. I haven't started talking outloud to myself, yet. That's a plus.
Self #1: You're lethargic, indifferent, irritable and even downright hateful. You hide your anger well but it's there, oh boy, is it ever. The things that go through your mind! What is your problem?
Self #2: I don't know what's wrong with me and what difference would it make if I did?
Self #1: Well, wallowing in this mood again is a waste of time. It's wearing on me after all these years. Get a grip.
Self #2: If you're so wise, you tell me what has thrown me off track. Huh? Come on. Tell me what's wrong with me. Wave your magic wand. I hate this as much as you do.
Self #1: Little things on your mind build themselves into mountains. Let's try to figure out what triggered your depressed mood.
Self #2: I don't care, anymore. I'm so sick of feeling like this. I'm tired of everything and sick of trying to figure out why.
Self #1: Please try to remember what you did to pull yourself out of this mood last time it happened.
Self #2: My brain's asleep. It's hard to think.
Self #1: Did somebody say something that knocked your feet out from under you? You tend to overreact to what people say and distort or blow things out of proportion.
Self #2: Everything everybody says bothers me.
Self #1: How can that be?
Self #2: I don't know why. I just don't want to talk or be around anybody. I want to be alone. When I'm with people, I second guess everything I say and do. I come away feeling inadequate and worthless.
Self #1: You've got a lot to offer; try to think about that.
Self #2: No! I'm stupid and ugly and no good for anything. I just want to stay here at home until I have to go to work.
Self #1: Okay. Here we go. You're beating up on yourself again.
Self #2: Just shut up and get out of here!
Self #1: No. We should do something, anything. Let's go to Target or Menards. How about a walk?
Self #2: I don't know what I want and I won't be happy until I get it.
Self #1: Now you're talking. We've been here before. I recognize this place. Let's fall back on what works. Keep going through the motions exactly as you are and one day soon you'll know what you want and we'll go after it.
Self #2: Right, yeah, right. How'd you get so smart?
Self #1: After sixty years of hanging out with you, I've noticed a pattern. It's a mean and bumpy road you're destined to travel. You've run off it before but you manage to steer yourself back on, somehow.
Self #2: It's scary though. I always wonder, what if I can't get the wheels turning this time?
Self #1: It scares me too, but trust me. Or better yet, trust God. He'll give you a push.
Self #2: I'm afraid He's tired and ashamed of me.
Self #1: Don't be stupid. Talk to Him. Say anything. It doesn't matter.
Self #2: I really don't want to.
Self #1: Do it now and then just wait. Be as patient as you can. It may take a while. When you get your front tires back on the road, the rest will follow.
Self #2: Is that my Bible over there, under those magazines?
Yeah, except for an exceptionally rough time in my twenties, I bounce back in a few weeks or a month. When I'm feeling good, there aren't enough hours in a day for all I want to do. During the hard times, I just want the day to be done.
For me, writing is many things. It's a life jacket when I feel like I'm drowning. I can write when nothing seems right. It gives me an outlet and I don't feel stuck and stagnant when the words start to flow.
For now, I've got a new banner to wave. It reads like this:
I know that I want to write and I'm happy when I get to.
Oh, yeah and Amen.
Have you ever felt that way? Have I? Well, obviously I have or I wouldn't have written it in bold print across the top of this blog.
Can I be bitchy?
Oh, yeah. I guess I just proved that.
Ok, now let's go back to the first line of this blog.
Periodically, every year, without warning, I get down, dirty and in a slump. I'm unmotivated and I have to force myself to go through the motions of everyday living. I rack my brains trying to figure out how to get going again. The unpredictable roller coaster ride of my life is mentally and emotionally exhausting. At the onset of these painful days, I talk to myself, trying to pull myself out of the gutter. The following dialogue is typical of my inner struggle. I've labeled my inner voices, Self #1 and Self #2. I haven't started talking outloud to myself, yet. That's a plus.
Self #1: You're lethargic, indifferent, irritable and even downright hateful. You hide your anger well but it's there, oh boy, is it ever. The things that go through your mind! What is your problem?
Self #2: I don't know what's wrong with me and what difference would it make if I did?
Self #1: Well, wallowing in this mood again is a waste of time. It's wearing on me after all these years. Get a grip.
Self #2: If you're so wise, you tell me what has thrown me off track. Huh? Come on. Tell me what's wrong with me. Wave your magic wand. I hate this as much as you do.
Self #1: Little things on your mind build themselves into mountains. Let's try to figure out what triggered your depressed mood.
Self #2: I don't care, anymore. I'm so sick of feeling like this. I'm tired of everything and sick of trying to figure out why.
Self #1: Please try to remember what you did to pull yourself out of this mood last time it happened.
Self #2: My brain's asleep. It's hard to think.
Self #1: Did somebody say something that knocked your feet out from under you? You tend to overreact to what people say and distort or blow things out of proportion.
Self #2: Everything everybody says bothers me.
Self #1: How can that be?
Self #2: I don't know why. I just don't want to talk or be around anybody. I want to be alone. When I'm with people, I second guess everything I say and do. I come away feeling inadequate and worthless.
Self #1: You've got a lot to offer; try to think about that.
Self #2: No! I'm stupid and ugly and no good for anything. I just want to stay here at home until I have to go to work.
Self #1: Okay. Here we go. You're beating up on yourself again.
Self #2: Just shut up and get out of here!
Self #1: No. We should do something, anything. Let's go to Target or Menards. How about a walk?
Self #2: I don't know what I want and I won't be happy until I get it.
Self #1: Now you're talking. We've been here before. I recognize this place. Let's fall back on what works. Keep going through the motions exactly as you are and one day soon you'll know what you want and we'll go after it.
Self #2: Right, yeah, right. How'd you get so smart?
Self #1: After sixty years of hanging out with you, I've noticed a pattern. It's a mean and bumpy road you're destined to travel. You've run off it before but you manage to steer yourself back on, somehow.
Self #2: It's scary though. I always wonder, what if I can't get the wheels turning this time?
Self #1: It scares me too, but trust me. Or better yet, trust God. He'll give you a push.
Self #2: I'm afraid He's tired and ashamed of me.
Self #1: Don't be stupid. Talk to Him. Say anything. It doesn't matter.
Self #2: I really don't want to.
Self #1: Do it now and then just wait. Be as patient as you can. It may take a while. When you get your front tires back on the road, the rest will follow.
Self #2: Is that my Bible over there, under those magazines?
Yeah, except for an exceptionally rough time in my twenties, I bounce back in a few weeks or a month. When I'm feeling good, there aren't enough hours in a day for all I want to do. During the hard times, I just want the day to be done.
For me, writing is many things. It's a life jacket when I feel like I'm drowning. I can write when nothing seems right. It gives me an outlet and I don't feel stuck and stagnant when the words start to flow.
For now, I've got a new banner to wave. It reads like this:
I know that I want to write and I'm happy when I get to.
Oh, yeah and Amen.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)