Humorous Flash Fiction On Newman's Own Salad Dressing Label

Here are my two favorite salad dressings.  Unexpectedly, the labels on the reverse side of these bottles sport this delightful sample of funny, flash fiction:

The Great Salad Dressing Balloon Race.

An armada of balloons loaded with Light Cranberry.  The starters gun - Bazoombah!  They all rise majestically into the air.  Newman's Own Balloon, with fewer calories, more taste, and secretly propelled by charity, flies faster than Kraft and further than Wishbone.  First across.  First on the ground.  El Piloto quaffs mucho quaffs of Newman's Own Lite Cranberry in victory.  A medium light Italian starlet, daughter of Butch Cassadini, named Bitsey Cassidini, leaps into the balloon basket, kisses Piloto, her lips smeared with Newman's Own Lite, she murmurs, "You taste of Sicily, of Besuvius, of Naples, baby", and patting his fanny she whispers, "and no fat."


That's not all that's unexpected regarding Paul Newman's Own.  His Own Foundation has given over $300 million to thousands of charities since 1982.  Newman's Own Foundation continues Paul Newman's commitment to donate all royalties and after tax profits from this product for educational and charitable purposes.


Pretty cool, huh?